Jake Vinson

Jun 2007

WARNING: Corroding Application

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Trevor D. recently got a job at a company that has provided all of Europe the means to ship dangerous materials for decades. He wasn't specific about which dangerous materials they deal with, so I'll speculate: radioactive, flammable, toxic, corrosive, or biohazardous chemicals, and maybe bees and cobras.

Whatever these dangerous materials are, Trevor maintained an application that could print labels for whatever dangerous goods were being shipped. These labels would list why the contents were dangerous and any necessary precautions for handling them. For instance, chemicals that can explode get a "combustible" designation, biohazardous materials get the logo of defunct New York old-school hardcore band Biohazard, and cobras and bees are labeled "warning: this package is full of goddamn cobras and bees!"

106 comments - Last comment @ 2024-07-26

The Batch Process Manager

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Ahhh, e-cards. Once a fun way to express those delicate emotions in a way that only hundreds of retina-burning animated GIFs and a midi version of Rush's "Tom Sawyer" can. Now, a surefire way to get your email added to spammers' mailing lists. Still, it's hard not to smile when you get an e-card.

Years ago, T. I. was working as an intern in the IT department of a small company. On their web site they offered a free e-card service, built by an outside vendor. An outside vendor named Frank. T. I. was tasked with integrating Frank's e-card infrastructure with the company's on-site servers.

65 comments - Last comment @ 2007-09-10

The Wireless Catch-22

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Aaron encountered a Catch-22 while signing up for wireless access. For you logicians out there, see if you can follow me. Signing up for wireless access (C) requires you to enter your credit card over a wireless connection (A). You should never transmit credit card information wirelessly (B). Therefore, ((A ^ B) => C), but (A => !B) and (B => !A). Ergo, you can never sign up for wireless access. Also, note that it only warns you about this after you've already submitted your credit card information.

57 comments - Last comment @ 2008-02-25

Before Until

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Melchior is either a fan of opera, 16 liter bottles, or Chrono Trigger, or maybe he just has a weird name. Anyhow, he encountered an error on a large shipping company's web site. Melchior says the company's name rhymes with "Percolator," and no, I can't think of the name of the company either.

63 comments - Last comment @ 2007-07-20

Comments from a Madman

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It's hard to maintain your cool while writing software, and therefore hard to not have that reflected in comments. It's probably a good idea to get in the habit of searching the codebase and replacing four letter words prior to checkin.

Submitted anonymously, we were given a series of comments that chronicle one man's gradual descent into insanity. I've taken the liberty of removing calls to It.Basket.Add(theLotion).

121 comments - Last comment @ 2021-10-24

More Like Didgeridon't!

by in Error'd on

If you were tasked with building a time zone synching application, you could probably do it in less than 1MB. Maybe you Linux guys could write it in one line of Perl (or at least brag about having the ability to write it in one line of Perl). Hell, maybe you'd just use the built-in synching functionality in your favorite OS. Anyhow, I can't imagine the crazy Western Australian rules for calculating time that make this software baloon to 4GB.


(submitted by Marty)

117 comments - Last comment @ 2009-09-10

Sacrebleu!

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In the mid 90s, Ken W. was working in the distribution center of a large commercial printing company. Since the department didn't generate any revenue, it was treated as a cost center. As such, getting purchases approved had a difficulty level somewhere between squeezing a camel through the eye of a needle and being rich and getting into heaven.

Since the printing branch was sending order information in Word documents or Excel spreadsheets, the distribution center needed Office licenses. Office costs more than $0, however, and the vehement opposition to approving purchase requests trumped the need for the software.

76 comments - Last comment @ 2007-06-27

Thanks For Nothing, Documentation Group

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Here's another from the don't-worry-we'll-remember-to-update-this-before-release department:


(submitted by James W.)

31 comments - Last comment @ 2007-07-03

Tonight... We Lunch... In HELL!

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J Cooper sat down with his buddy Holden for lunch. They'd eat together pretty much daily, enjoying a meal while discussing work. While they were eating, Holden mentioned a particularly irritating issue that he was troubleshooting.

Holden explained the process as it should work — clients would submit flat files which would automatically be read into the PICK database, then invoices would be generated. If there was an import error, it'd send an email alert to the representative that handled that particular client.

59 comments - Last comment @ 2007-06-27

OMGWTF Highlights #3: Code

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While going through contest entries, we were bummed that we don't have more high-res JPGs (and laptops) to give out. Here are some highlights that didn't quite make finalists, but got the Honorable Mention award. For which the prize is an honorable mention in this article. This is the third and final entry in a three-part series.

Massimo's ASMCalc avoids expensive built-in arithmetic functions, instead using a function pointer to assembly code patched at runtime:

50 comments - Last comment @ 2007-08-20

Overwhelmingly Negative

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Sure, it might look stupid, but it does add up to 100%.


(submitted anonymously)

32 comments - Last comment @ 2007-07-03

OMGWTF Highlights #2: Misc.

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While going through contest entries, we were bummed that we don't have more high-res JPGs (and laptops) to give out. Here are some highlights that didn't quite make finalists, but got the Honorable Mention award. For which the prize is an honorable mention in this article. This is the second in a three-part series.

Pete Bassett's "Petes Pants Calc" took the easy way out - rather than writing complicated C code, it shells out to VBScript for all arithmetic operations. (Petes Pants Calc)

25 comments - Last comment @ 2008-08-07

It's Like Raiiiiiin

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Regardless of what Alanis Morissette may tell you, irony isn't like ra-i-aiiiiin on your wedding day. It's more like someone making an offhanded remark to reassure you, but rather making you feel worse.

An anonymous submitter (we'll call him "Cody") had recently taken over a large internal application with a substantial userbase. With guarded optimism, he was excited to get to know the users and to learn and improve the application. Cody was eager to see the code and the database.

118 comments - Last comment @ 2007-06-26

Think of the Children

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50 Cent's masterwork "Candy Shop" is an eloquent and subtle meditation on the similarities between consuming candy and f**king. Classical composers Bach and Ligeti, on the other hand, took things a bit too far with their highly explicit, violin-only Chaconne (originally titled "****ing and ****ing in D Minor, 6th God**** Movement").


(submitted by James A.)

91 comments - Last comment @ 2008-07-16

Assisted Processicide

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Rebellious users are a pain. Introducing a feature that changes the standard workflow is a harbinger of confused users and new help-desk tickets. Eventually, a user might stumble onto some workaround to avoid the new feature, and this workaround will then be passed down and changed via interoffice oral tradition. Ancient tribes that were present for the creation of the world 6,000 years ago passed down tales of the earth mother. We pass down keyboard shortcuts.

Jesse B. worked on banking software years ago. As banks control lots and lots of (other peoples') money, they make the rules. Jesse was entangled in maintenance of an application for tellers and retail banking clerks. His time was dedicated to customization and enhancement for a particular client bank.

140 comments - Last comment @ 2013-08-05

OMGWTF Highlights #1: Custom UIs

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While going through contest entries, we were bummed that we don't have more high-res JPGs (and laptops) to give out. Here are some highlights that didn't quite make finalists, but got the Honorable Mention award. For which the prize is an honorable mention in this article.

Donald Straney was kind enough to give us a free enterprise-level license for his calculator software. It requires the user to minimize and restore the window to increment numbers or choose operands.

33 comments - Last comment @ 2007-06-13

Print It Like It's Hot

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When you've got a ho-speed laser jet
Print it like it's hot
Print it like it's hot
Print it like it's hot
When your toner's running somewhat low
Swap it like it's hot
Swap it like it's hot
Swap it like it's hot
And if a [word from the original song that I really shouldn't use since I'm white] gets a paper jam
Clear it like it's hot
Clear it like it's hot
Clear it like it's hot


(submitted by Rob)

94 comments - Last comment @ 2009-01-27
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